What?

I want to write about how I made homemade Oreos the other day.

I want to write about how much fun my six-year-old cousin's birthday party was.

I want to write about my anticipation for our upcoming adventure to Universal Studios.  

I want to write something encouraging.

But my heart isn't in it. My heart hasn't been able to write for a while. I keep falling into this deep rut. I can't shake it. 

Even just trying to get that post out about Shangri La was painful. Nothing I wrote captured what I wanted to and I just couldn't flow or bring it all together. It just kind of flopped out like a dead fish. And that is not how I intended to encapsulate China. It was an incredible adventure, deserving of an equally incredible post. But I failed it. 

I think I'm still processing everything we experienced and because of that I'm just feeling so lost. I don't know how to process. It's hard being home. I can't explain it. I'm so happy to be home with my family (whom I love so deeply), but at the same time I don't feel like I'm really here. I see the selfishness of American life and it makes me want to throw up. I see the selfishness in my own daily life that I can't really escape and I feel the same revulsion. I have to go to work 5 days a week on a depressing schedule that runs me until 8:30pm and I  must deal with people who get upset over stupid little things, constantly trying to suck me into their pettiness. (Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful I have a job - a very good job, at that.) I keep getting irritated so easily by minor things and - as much as I hate to admit it - I want to cry all the time. I have so many things that I have to do or the world falls apart and I feel like I can't breathe. 

But it all feels so selfish. In China, we spent almost every day meeting new, like-minded people and working alongside them. We saw how devoted they were & how amazing their mission was. We took van and bus rides to visit people we barely knew. We drank yak butter tea and swallowed sour yak cheese just to get to know these familiar strangers, whom we instantly loved because He loved us first. I got the opportunity to share His love with an incredibly kind and unassuming Tibetan woman & our only common ground was our same age and our brand new friendship with two amazing M's. On our journey, we met people from all over the world and worked together for the only Purpose that matters. 

People have mentioned reentry after a missions trip to me, but no one really explained to me what would happen. They said it might be hard and you might have feelings of this or that. Half the time, I can't even figure out what I'm thinking or feeling. Maybe I wasn't fully listening. Maybe I was too confident in my own adaptability. Whatever it was, I just don't feel like I was prepared for this. How could I have been?