Sleep?

So last night I didn't sleep much. Maybe 4 hours... which for me is like not sleeping at all! I usually snooze for at least 8 hours (yep, I'm lazy. Trying to work on that...), but last night I couldn't turn my brain off. I've been working on being diligent with a lot of things (like housework, Bible reading, etc.) and last night I kept making lists in my head. I would remember something and then get up to write it down. Then I would lie there for a while, trying to will myself to sleep, but I ended up just staring at the back of my eyelids. (They had kind of a black and white swirly pattern on them. Strange, I know.) The hubby had fallen asleep around 11pm while we were watching our show, so after I finished the episode, I flicked it off and curled up to sleep with no success. I turned on a little light. Maybe a little reading and writing will bring the sleepiness... Nope. After that I tried to watch a little bit of Downton Abbey on netflix (which, might I add, is an amazing show and I can't WAIT for the next season to come out! Watch it if you like early 1900s era movies. You'll love it!). Sometimes tv puts you to sleep, right? (exhibit A: husband) 

Alas, I had no luck until around 2am. Once I had finally fallen asleep, it felt like just one second later I was being woken up by a lovely 6am call from my best friend in Arkansas. I groggily let it go to voicemail, but hubby woke up too and reminded me that I should check it in case it was an emergency. It was 8am her time and she just left me a sweet little message that she missed me and wanted to say hi. It's nice to feel so loved even when you're barely awake. 

After that I tried to fall back to sleep, but the hubby stayed awake too.

Hubby: Are you awake?

Me: Yep.

Hubby: Is it because I'm talking to you?

Me: Nope. I just can't go back to sleep. 

After that we didn't try to go back to sleep. Up and at 'em and here we go! Another day has begun! Despite the short sleep hours, I had plenty of energy for the morning and accomplished so much! Laundry, dishes, studying... Diligence: check! (Just kidding; it's a looooong process.) 

But by the time I had to get ready for work, I was ready to go back to sleep. The 30 minute drive to work didn't help. But I kept myself busy at work to stay awake. And the sweet hubby even brought me a chai tea to help me stay awake through the quiet evening. 

And now I am thoroughly exhausted. I bet I'll sleep like a baby tonight. 

Still Learning to Love

I did not want to leave the house today. At all. I just wanted to stay home and be cozy. And read. And enjoy a quiet day with no demands in it. After I'd gotten up, showered, and dressed for the day, I layed there on my bed for a good 15 minutes trying to come up with a good enough excuse to call in sick. 

My stomach hurts.

My brain is fuzzy.

My legs won't work. 

Nope. None of these would work in the real world. So I pulled myself together and sat down to soak up some sort encouragement to get through the day. I was not going to let myself get lost in a fiction book this morning and run out of time to read what really matters. 

1 Peter is really refreshing when you need hardcore reminders. Last night I had to deal with one repercussion from two weeks ago when I went temporarily insane. I hadn't thought one choice I'd made through completely and someone was really mad at me for it (and told me so last night!). In my attempt to do the right thing and look out for those who cannot really defend themselves, I forgot to look on the human side of things and approach it in love. (Boy, I needed to remember to love that week...) So this morning, I was really reminded to love as Jesus loves. 

"...be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing."  3:8-9

It wasn't that I'd done something mean or evil, but I just hadn't done it lovingly. I wish I had. I'm super thankful to say that for the most part I handled her confrontation lovingly (considering), but I still need to focus more on this as well:

"...let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit..." 3:10

Words are powerful and can be a pain in the butt if handled unwisely. I'm still learning to tame this wild tongue of mine. 

I'm so grateful that we have a God who is patient with us when we struggle to hold onto even the easiest & smallest lessons.

Bringing Christmas to October

It rained off and on today. I donned a cozy scarf today in anticipation of sprinkles. And just in case there was a chance I'd need them, I packed my yellow raincoat, yellow rainboots, and my striped umbrella. Of course, it only rained when I was inside sadly, but, hey, I can wish...

...maybe tomorrow I can splash in some puddles...

CREDIT

This turn of the weather has definitely switched me into holiday mode. (Thank you, October, for being so chilly & crisp!) Pandora now plays an entire genre of Christmas music just for me. I'm quite impressed that it has only played the good songs! I know, I know...you can tell it what you like and it "learns" what you like, but still! It's awesome. I now have some wonderfully, Christmas-y tunes floating through the room and it sure makes me a happy kayla. 

Christmas-ily Content. 

Falling Into the Seasons

Today I watched a leaf float upon the wind. 

Crisp and careless, never-resting, it fluttered up and down. The sun-kissed sliver of oak tree glittered across the lawn and gently perched itself upon a still-green shrub. 

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I love Fall. It's the season of sweaters, falling leaves, and pumpkins! My pumpkin spice candle is going to be a wonderful addition to my home this season. I just couldn't wait to burn it and get that smell wafting through my house, so the other day I just broke down and burned it! So worth it. If I had a fireplace, I wouldn't be able to wait to light that either. The crackle of the logs goes along perfectly with snuggling under a cozy blanket with a warm mug of something. (Preferably chai tea. Yum!)

Speaking of chai tea, I recently came across a neat idea for Christmas gifts. You know how people make those jars of dry ingredients for cookies or brownies? Well, I found one for chai tea! I've gotta test it and make sure it's nice and tasty, but hopefully this will become a neat gift this year! (If you get one from me, try to act surprised...)

I just can't wait to begin the holidays! 

Giving It Over

I love how God so beautifully resolves conflict. We worry and stress, get angry and cry, but in the end, He's got it all covered so there's no need for any of that. He's so good to us. 

That's what this week is all about for me: Learning to give it all away. Last week, I was monster-kayla and everything was a huge deal. But this week, I have consciously decided to give it all back to Him and look forward with the joy & hope He so graciously gave me. This week I choose joy. (It's amazing how much a little picture can inspire you toward what you know is right...)

And I know that He knew exactly what I needed to read yesterday:

Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance, but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, "Be holy, for I am holy."

"All flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of the grass. The grass withers and its flower falls away, but the word of the LORD endures forever."

1 Peter 1:13-16, 24-25

Lord, You never let go of me...

Your perfect Love is casting out fear.

Even when I'm caught in the middle
Of the storms of this life,
I won't turn back
I know You are near.

Lord, You never let go
Through the calm & through the storm.

If my God is with me,
Whom then shall I fear?

What?

I want to write about how I made homemade Oreos the other day.

I want to write about how much fun my six-year-old cousin's birthday party was.

I want to write about my anticipation for our upcoming adventure to Universal Studios.  

I want to write something encouraging.

But my heart isn't in it. My heart hasn't been able to write for a while. I keep falling into this deep rut. I can't shake it. 

Even just trying to get that post out about Shangri La was painful. Nothing I wrote captured what I wanted to and I just couldn't flow or bring it all together. It just kind of flopped out like a dead fish. And that is not how I intended to encapsulate China. It was an incredible adventure, deserving of an equally incredible post. But I failed it. 

I think I'm still processing everything we experienced and because of that I'm just feeling so lost. I don't know how to process. It's hard being home. I can't explain it. I'm so happy to be home with my family (whom I love so deeply), but at the same time I don't feel like I'm really here. I see the selfishness of American life and it makes me want to throw up. I see the selfishness in my own daily life that I can't really escape and I feel the same revulsion. I have to go to work 5 days a week on a depressing schedule that runs me until 8:30pm and I  must deal with people who get upset over stupid little things, constantly trying to suck me into their pettiness. (Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful I have a job - a very good job, at that.) I keep getting irritated so easily by minor things and - as much as I hate to admit it - I want to cry all the time. I have so many things that I have to do or the world falls apart and I feel like I can't breathe. 

But it all feels so selfish. In China, we spent almost every day meeting new, like-minded people and working alongside them. We saw how devoted they were & how amazing their mission was. We took van and bus rides to visit people we barely knew. We drank yak butter tea and swallowed sour yak cheese just to get to know these familiar strangers, whom we instantly loved because He loved us first. I got the opportunity to share His love with an incredibly kind and unassuming Tibetan woman & our only common ground was our same age and our brand new friendship with two amazing M's. On our journey, we met people from all over the world and worked together for the only Purpose that matters. 

People have mentioned reentry after a missions trip to me, but no one really explained to me what would happen. They said it might be hard and you might have feelings of this or that. Half the time, I can't even figure out what I'm thinking or feeling. Maybe I wasn't fully listening. Maybe I was too confident in my own adaptability. Whatever it was, I just don't feel like I was prepared for this. How could I have been?